Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Questions

I am sure that it is pretty obvious by my lack of posts recently and the extent of what I have been posting that my family has been living in tough times. I hate to whine but I feel like I have done a lot of that lately. I will be honest, the past ten years have been hard on so many levels, but we are facing extremely difficult times emotionally as of late. We are physically and emotionally exhausted at a state that I did not even know was possible. We are mourning in a way that I would have never dreamed in my worst nightmares. But as always my head will not quit spinning as my mind works its way through processing so many things. As I laid in bed the other night listening to my iPod my mind was scrambling through many questions. When I was younger I felt like it was a sin to question God on why something had happened or why I was going through a certain situation but I do not believe that to be true now. I think it is ok because as we endure trials, God is shaping us and so we need to converse with Him and learn how is changing us and what He wants us to learn. So for whatever reason I felt like writing out these questions that have been running through my head. I do not have all the answers, and may never. I know that while God is right here through it all we may not get clarity on everything for a while, if ever.

-Why are we experiencing such pain?
-Why am I (and we) so physically and mentally exhausted that most of the time I feel like I am about to pass out?
-Why can't I fall asleep right away even though I am so exhausted?
-Why did losing my greatest hobby in life years ago not only cause me great physical pain that I endure everyday, but mental pain as well?
-Why do people only care about your business, but do not care at all about what you are going through?
-Why is there such a lack of compassion and empathy?
-Why are people so self-consumed that have forgotten or do not care about the mourning that we are going through?
-Why was I was self-consumed in the past that I did not care about the pain others were sometimes enduring.
-Why am I required to spend the most time on the things I care the least about but only get to spend a fraction of time on the things that I want to?
-Why do I feel like I have to be a people pleaser all of the time?
-Why will my vocal chords not heal from where I strained them a year and a half ago?


Ok many of these may seem like selfish or cynical questions and maybe they are. I just wanted to be honest today with a small glimpse of what is going on inside my head. There are many other questions in my head too.

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