Well as you notice it’s been a little while since my last post. In fact, my posts from Centrifuge just seem to have ended. Well on Thursday of Centrifuge I had to come home to be with my wife because my father-in-law tragically passed away.
One thing about me is I have trouble being honest with people. I know immediately that sounds bad and sounds like I have a lying problem but that’s not what I mean. What I do mean is that usually I’m not open with others and usually hide my feelings. I tell the students from time to time to be honest when asked the question “How are you?” and really tell the person how you are. Many times we like to respond to that question with “Good” or “Fine” but at the same time be crying on the inside. Each time I encourage the students to respond with the truth I usually tell them that I know it can be hard because I hide my true feelings that way.
I guess the reason behind my lack of openness is both because of my insecurity and because of my trust issues. Insecure as in I tell myself “they don’t really care what you’re dealing with” or “you’ve already said enough”. My lack of trust in people leads me to say to myself “they don’t care” or “they’re going to turn this against you and hurt you” or they will “gossip about you”.
I say all of that to lead to a point of honesty with any person who for whatever reason reads this. I know that I am unable to be completely honest on my blog or twitter sometimes because just as I’m teaching the students right now our words can hurt others, and sometimes just don’t need to be said. So I know that some things that I feel just don’t need to be said. I will however say that we’re at a point where we need your prayers. I feel like over the past mile we’ve been sucker punched or kicked in the gut. Well to be honest (there’s that struggling point) it actually goes way beyond just the last mile but that’s where I’m going to briefly put my focus.
The last month has been extremely hard. I had to gear up for a month of busyness because of the scheduling decisions I made, but other things occurred as well, such as they usually do. I was first out of town a week for my seminary course. You know that if you read this blog. I was then going to be home for just one week before taking the students to Centrifuge camp. Well during that week I spent 2 days in bed with what was probably the worst stomach virus of my entire life. At the same time our air conditioner quit working and so after a temporary fix we were notified that we would probably be replacing our unit soon. Soon as in it probably won’t make it through the summer. Then on Friday before leaving for Centrifuge I spent the day at the hospital as my cousin Josh was having a minor heart procedure. Well the doctor ended up discovering a birth defect and that would require open-heart surgery to repair the defect.
We left for Centrifuge and it was an excellent week, but I received the terrible phone call that my father-in-law had tragically died. I had to pack up, gather the students and tell them that I was leaving to come home to be with my wife. I went to rent a car (which turned out to be an experience) and headed home. This was and still is an incredibly hard situation. There will always be questions and “Why’s” that remain unanswered here. My main focus is to be a comfort and support for my wife.
This past Monday my cousin had his open-heart surgery. The doctor had said that a birth defect that caused an aneurysm to press on his aortic valve would need to be repaired. After going in to fix everything they said it was the worst that they had ever seen. The aneurysm was paper-thin and could be seen through. They removed it and replaced the aortic valve. The doctor said “I don’t know how he’s still here” as the aneurysm should have already burst and killed him. Of course we all know that it was God keeping His hand on him and protecting him. The reason that this all came about was that he was about to go to the police academy but the doctor wouldn’t sign off because of his accelerated heart rate. If he had went on then this wouldn’t have been discovered and he would at some point died. I’m so thankful to God for protecting him, but at the same time it’s drained life out of me knowing what could have happened.
So with that little glimpse into the past mile of my life, I’m honestly saying that I’m struggling. There have been plenty of other “kick in the shins” over the past month that I’m not going to share. I’m exhausted and I currently feel like I’m breaking down. We need as much prayer as possible. I’m currently finding it hard to find joy. I’m not trying to complain or whine, but to be honest with I am currently experiencing. At the same time if you are struggling, hurting, or just plain exhausted from life then my prayer is that you will find joy, strength, and healing in God. Please pray the same for me.